A Clearer Perspective
A Clearer Perspective
As I watched my spouse, for the first time, head off of the island, abandoning me (not really, but can you feel the drama escalating here?) on this island by myself to “rough it out” for a time while he does business in the States, I felt a jab in my side.... “Www-o---wwww! Can I REALLY do this?” The kids were on the mend from a nasty, almost 2-week-long virus that assaulted our bodies, relentless in that we are not immune to some of the funkier varieties going around this Pacific island. I was facing a week with enough activities to happily distract us but not send me into a total breakdown. And, of course, I have done this many, many times before back home. I know I can run the fort, but can I run THIS fort, one might ask? After all, technically he is leaving me in a foreign country! So, whine, whine, whine, I go, knowing full well that many military wives suffer the long separation and angst of letting a husband go to war on a foreign land; they have my complete respect and admiration. These are the things I told myself as we got off of the bleachers from watching the plane leave the runway and thought about “my task” this week of keeping us all running smoothly.
In the midst of these thoughts running through my head, a dear, faraway friend of mine called to my attention that my blogs sound a little self-deprecating (is that the right word?), and do I really feel I am letting God or myself down when I obsess over Walmart or conveniences not had here, or when I have an “off” day here not coping with island life? Www-o—wwww! That truly gave me pause and is a VERY IMPORTANT point to clear up. [I love that she loves me enough to express this concern. That is a true friend, believe me. I love about myself that I heard what she was really saying and didn't get defensive. :)] And my sincerest apologies to anyone who read my previous, very raw, blogs as me putting myself down. Adjusting to life somewhere so different is a process, and so in the beginning, many things feel like “failures”....trying new relationships out, riding my bike at the wrong time of day (as a rainstorm hits), not knowing completely how to steer or navigate my family through this rite of passage, etc. And so, my first entries were merely a spilling out (purging, if you will) of my honesty of what it is like to adjust to a new place....not just the pretty parts, by any means (did you see my “mold pictures” on the latest photo album?).
Perhaps now is the time to confess (if you haven't already noted it), that I am a very intense, self-reflective person always seeking ways to improve myself....not because I think the current model is a dud, but because experiences like this one give you ample opportunity to “fine-tune” whom you want to be. Do I feel like a failure some days here? Absolutely. But, I do NOT feel like I am failing God. I do not feel like, just because I can't completely shake my culture of American wealth and instant-gratification (drive-through restaurants, instant lattes!) that that makes me, or anyone else, a bad person. I also know that God loves me whether I obsess over Walmart, whether I do or do not change my life based on the poverty I see here, whether I always have the right approach toward others on my bad days, etc. That said, my personal struggle here, as reflected in my blogs, has more to do with "Hey, how can I grow in this experience and continue to work on myself?" I feel strongly about this. If I come all the way around the world and don't open myself up to stretching and examining myself, I feel I wasted the time. I also know He wants me to enjoy peace in many areas while here: areas in which I don't enjoy peace in back home. If you need a concrete example, my highly allergic (to foods), pre-asthmatic toddler son David has not had any asthma, eczema (which used to plague his entire body), lung issues, or ear infections since we have lived here. That is just one of several areas personally for us as a family where I am finding and experiencing His great rest. Socially, I'm seeing HUGE strides in my older son, who is also showing excellent adaptability and flexibility....characteristics that were not necessarily present in his personality before in such high doses. :) And my daughter is enjoying the independence she seeks so badly at 5 in just riding her own bike next to me to school and being able to participate in many sports and activities throughout the year. We are also “resting” in being very safe.
So, while this isn't the most well-articulated blog I have written, I did definitely want to make sure readers know that I consider myself a work-in-progress, but I am very grateful for this opportunity, and at the same time, I am very humbled by it. It doesn't matter if one is “doing” life on this tiny island or doing it back in Boston during this harsh winter or doing it in Iraq or doing it in the throes of the political campaign in DC. My perspective isn't because of where I am (or any of us are), although that certainly adds some flavor; it is because of whom I serve and am trying to listen to while here (or hopefully wherever I am). I want Him to teach me great things while here, great things when I get back, and great things every day of my life. Sometimes I picture Him encouraging me to “rest” in His promises and not to stress out: To refresh myself. And sometimes I picture Him nudging me to find an opportunity to reflect His great love out here or wherever I am. Any shortcomings I feel that I have are my own issue and my own standards. And if you are still interested in following our story out here, I am sure you will see more ups and downs, but one constant for me is God's place in my life. Whether I am swinging from a coconut tree (haven't tried that yet) or sitting back in my cozy home and cozy cars back in Boston or taking a trip to Australia or having a “relapse” at Starbucks, He and His love are the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow. That's what I'm banking on, and that's why I can make it through this week not thinking about the husband off eating at my favorite restaurants, picking up household needs at Walmart, getting a good night's sleep uninterrupted by sick children (okay, well maybe I'm thinking about it a little bit.....) :)
Side Note: We laced the Cockroach Motel (our plumbing) with Boric Acid, I caulked the holes where they were seeking freedom in the night. Stay tuned on how well we pushed back the “enemy” and if there is “full retreat” in their future. :)
Update, since then: It's been a week or so since the writing of this blog. Obviously, I did not get this up on the Web site when it was current. Mark is back, the kids are mostly better, but they all faced a major relapse in health the week he was gone....won't go into the details. We are waiting on hospital labs (yes, I was also shocked to find they can test more than just blood here! :) ) to affirm it is not a parasite. And I am very, very tired. The next blog will be about how the PowersThatBe here are completely cutting the after-school sports program and getting rid of the preschool and daycare here, but keeping the golf course, because somehow that is more important (don't get me started!) than a functioning community library or activities for the many children on the island. It is increasingly more clear by the day here that they are moving towards an “unaccompanied personnel” plan for the future. Better sign off before this becomes another blog in the making. Stay tuned! And, yes, the cockroaches appear to be in silent retreat!
Friday, March 14, 2008